GCHQ ‘thought it was SNL’
Britain’s GCHQ has denied tapping Trump Towers :’There was no targeted surveillance. We can, however, confirm that a bored analyst was ‘channel hopping’ and had stopped to observe Saturday Night Live...
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EU diplomatic ‘shit list’ drawn up by the Tourism Board, say Kremlin
A Russian foreign ministry official has today contradicted reports that a list of ‘banned’ politicians was a result of EU sanctions against Russia. ‘Not at all. It is a simple attempt to support our...
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Blair awarded Nobel Prize for Physics after proving that black is white
The scientific world was celebrating last night after Tony Blair’s illuminating discovery that black is white. To date, the finest minds have failed to identify evidence of the presence of dark matter...
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Savile ‘may have been adviser to Cameron’
Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A...
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Liberal ostracised after admitting Notting Hill Carnival ‘not really my cup...
A London man previously considered to be liberal and open-minded by his friends was facing a lifetime of isolation and shame after admitting that he ‘wasn’t all that mad’ about going to the Notting...
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IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill
British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An...
View ArticleEastenders loan-shark plot ‘a metaphor for BREXIT’, BBC admits.
The BBC has made the shock admission that the latest Eastenders plot line is just another tedious metaphor for BREXIT. This week the Taylor family matriarch saw a terrible decision of many months ago...
View ArticleRoyal engagement marred by media focus on ‘colour’
The UK Commission for Racial Equality has today raised concerns regarding yesterday’s media coverage of the latest royal engagement, citing excessive references to ‘inter-racial’ marriage. Channel4...
View ArticleReclusive Bannon renounces the ‘Alt-Jedi’
Steve Bannon has revealed that he left the White House swearing never again to train another Alt-Jedi after the last one went spectacularly bad. A haggard and remorseful Bannon said, ˜The Republican...
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Avian privacy group slams RSPB ‘mass surveillance’
Avian rights activists are demanding answers from the government today after the Guardian published tweets from an insider at the RSPB, indicating the shocking extent of directed surveillance against...
View ArticleGavin Williamson: ‘Keep language as simple as me’
In a surprise move this week, advocates of plain English and career diplomats alike expressed support after the UK Defence Secretary told Russia ‘go away and shut up’. Pre-school children have also...
View ArticleWinchester resident lays claim to mining rights in local pothole.
A Winchester local resident has filed a claim for mining rights in a pothole after it ate her Landrover Defender. Linda Holtby of Badger Farm laid claim to the hole near the traffic lights in...
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Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police
Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary....
View ArticleParliament canteen to serve PC food
After the revelation that that House of Commons restaurant had re-branded Spotted Dick ‘Spotted Richard’ so as not to embarrass MPs, further examples have come to light leading to demands for an...
View ArticleHuge inflatable baby seen flapping above London actually Boris Johnson
UK celebrations to welcome Donald Trump have been declared ‘an absolute triumph’ after placard-wielding POTUS enthusiasts filled the streets of London and a human Blimp tethered to a broken zip-wire...
View ArticleMay sends flying monkeys to sell Brexit
The Prime Minister has opened a cage of flying monkeys and sent them to Europe to ‘sell Brexit’, giving them a wad of leaflets each. The monkeys have been told not to come home until they have...
View ArticlePiers Morgan hospitalised after choking on own bile
Piers Morgan has been hospitalised after almost drowning in his own bile due to a stunt involving a Greggs’ vegan sausage roll. A BUPA spokesman said that it was an honour to care for the sausage roll...
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Large Hadron Collider could let foreign particles in, complains Farage
Nigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has...
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EU diplomatic ‘shit list’ drawn up by the Tourism Board, say Kremlin
A Russian foreign ministry official has today contradicted reports that a list of ‘banned’ politicians was a result of EU sanctions against Russia. ‘Not at all. It is a simple attempt to support our...
View ArticleEastenders loan-shark plot ‘a metaphor for BREXIT’, BBC admits.
The BBC has made the shock admission that the latest Eastenders plot line is just another tedious metaphor for BREXIT. This week the Taylor family matriarch saw a terrible decision of many months ago...
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